Harry Potter – The Audience

I just got back from Order of the Phoenix. It’ll take me a day to process my thoughts on the film, but here’s what I thought of everything leading up to the movie.

1. All the little kids running around in their robes and hats and Harry glasses were super cute, but I couldn’t help but wonder if their parents understood that this really wasn’t a little kid movie.

2. I don’t get really fat suburban guys in wife beaters. At what point during the dressing process did they look at their jiggly gut stretching out over their baggy shorts and think, “This is such a hot look for me, I’m not even going to bother putting a real shirt on”?

3. I remember when I was little, you would go to the snack counter and actually watch the popcorn pop. It would spill over the sides of the big metal pot type thing and they would scoop up the fresh poofs when you ordered them. It was always the best popcorn ever. Now you get this warmed over stuff, mostly stale, tasteless, chewy, and full of icky kernal bits, that was likely popped days or weeks before and stored in huge plastic bags. Don’t believe me? When’s the last time you went to a theater where you heard any popping sounds? Oh, and you get to pay $7.50 for the privilege of gnawing on the horrid stuff. Still, it’s better than the $5.50 rubbery, wet, microwaved pretzel. And theaters don’t get why people bring food in from outside? It’s not even the prices guys, it’s just that people don’t like to eat cardboard and mush. 

4. I hate cellphones. I think theater-goers should be strip-searched for the damn things if need be and have them all kept in some kind of coat-check style room. Better yet, they should have some kind of technology that kills signals as soon as you step in the front door. No matter how sly you think you’re being, every time you turn the screen on, even just to check the time, you’re blinding everyone within eight rows of you. And if you really have to tappa-tappa-tappa during the movie to send an urgent text message regarding what color nail polish you’re wearing to the mall tomorrow, you have no right to complain if I decide to get a flashlight and some bubble wrap out periodically and flash you right in the face while I pop bubbles on your skull.

5. Almost every preview before the movie was for a Harry Potter rip-off. They were so blatant and all so much alike that everyone involved in making them should be embarassed. If nothing else, someone should have noticed that they all looked identical and combined them into one trailer, because no one will remember which was which anyway. One exception: The Dark Is Rising looked highly dull and cheap until, voila! Christopher Eccleston showed his Doctorly mug. He’s in the role of Aragorn… er, The Rider. For him alone, that film may be promising.

6. Ok, one OOtP thought. How is it that the Weasley boys all had fun, young, sexy, shaggy ‘dos in Goblet of Fire, and this time around they all look like they were attacked by Flowbees? Fred and George should be rebels, not Hair Club for Men “after” models. The Phelps twins gave it all the right attitude, but it was like Tom Hanks’ DaVinci Code mullet all over again. I just couldn’t get past the sad hair.

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4 responses to “Harry Potter – The Audience

  • Chris L

    Rule #1: No spoilers about the movie in comments. I haven’t seen it yet!

    That’s all the rules 🙂

    Just a note on “The Dark is Rising”. It’s a phenomenal novel (young adult, but still excellent), and I knew CE was in it, but I’m a little disheartened that it doesn’t look great. I was so excited 😦

    And I hope this isn’t going to crush you, but the rider is a bad guy. Chris Eccleston is going to be the villain.

    Also, fat guys in wife beaters. Very not cool. I thought that californians were all hip, and in shape, and say “Dude” a lot. Has television lied to me???

  • Henchminion

    I am so saddened by the Dark is Rising trailer and the news that has leaked out about the movie so far. They took a novel about British folklore, cut all the British folklore out of it, and replaced it with pointless violence. I could cry.

  • Kerry

    Saw Order of the Phoenix this weekend…I don’t mind the non-shaggy dos … mostly because I wasn’t a huge fan of the shaggy-ness in GoF (which we watched on Saturday to get us ready for Sunday’s OoTP viewing.)

    What’d you think about the movie in general?

  • curbsideprophecies

    Hey Chris,

    Eccleston as a villan? I’ll take it! Even his “good” characters have a dark side, so I’d like to see him dive into a truly evil role. I’m not sure about the long hair though. And what’s my obsession with people’s haircuts in movies lately? I dunno. It just seems like any big budget film should have a hair genius at its disposal to make everyone look their best, or at least appropriate to their characters.

    Anyway. Bad guy Eccelston. Sounds like fun.

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