My good friend, Steve, called the other night to let me in on some good news. After two years of marriage, he and his wife are still getting it on. Aww hells yeah. Oh, and also, his sperm is like maximum strength, and he and his wife are expecting a baby boy at the end of the year. Aww, sweet.
Once I got over the initial excitement of having a new baby in my extended Boston family (and another reason to go and visit more often), I moved on to the most important part of the creation of anything: naming rights. Steve is sure to get plenty of bids, but I’ve put together a list of real Bobby Dazzlers, sure to knock out all of the competition. I mean, why should celebrity babies get the most crazy monikers?
First, a bit of background on Steve: He is one of the kindest, funniest, most generous and creative people I know. He’s also a Grade A geek. Steve is the mastermind behind newmoanyeah.com, home of all things kung fu, sci-fi, and fanboy-esque. He’s also the one who got our whole group turned on to Jason Mraz, and he built the site mrazturbation.com as the original alter to our Curbside Prophet.
With that in mind, here are my offerings to little baby Lin, to help him forge his way into the world with the utmost marketing and branding potential.
Because a kid needs street cred:
- Butcher – No one would dare pick on a kid named Butcher, and he could either go by the nickname “Butch” or take after his dad at the Chinese food kiosk in the mall and earn the label Butcher “Double Meat” Lin. That sounds bad ass.
- 4real – Oh, wait. A New Zealand couple already tried this and a judge said it was illegal. Shockingly, this event did not result in the newborn being immediately taken into protective custody.
- Chacarero – It just sounds tough, as long as you don’t know it’s the name of a sandwich.
Because Steve has some wicked celebrity crushes:
- Clarkson (because he loves Kelly)
- Portman (because he loves Natalie)
- Dushku (because he loves Eliza)
- Hanley (because he loves Kay)
- Sheik (because he loves Duncan)
Because Steve’s wife is gorgeous and the baby is sure to be a looker:
Because Rob Marrow named his daughter “Tu”:
- And if there’s ever a daughter, I recommend “Porsa”.
Because I’m living in Harry Potter world right now:
- Erised – Not only a cool mirror, but it’s the word “desire” backwards. Chicks will totally dig it.
(FYI – You can find a whole list of Harry Potter-inspired baby names at Veritaserum.)
Because Steve says all Star Wars names have already been offered, but there are plenty of other obvious geek choices:
- i – Any other children would then be marked as newer versions, i.e.: iLin 2.0, iLin 3.0, etc.
- Bird of Prey – Do you think Eagle Eye Cherry or Moon Unit Zappa had it any easier?
- Stan Lee/Stanley
- The Doctor
- Silinx – So that he can inherit all of dad’s URLs, email addresses, and whatnot.
And of course, the most obvious choice of all:
- Mraz Stephen Lin
How could the kid not turn out perfect with a name like that?
A chosen child in golden sun,
These suggestions just in from my equally HP-obsessed boss: Spinner, Apparate, Fawkes, Evanesco, and the one I wish I had come up with myself: Marauder. Try it out: Marauder Erised Lin. Yeah, that’s tasty.
Later editions from a tired and twisted mind:
- Style Lin
- Freewheel Lin