The Prophet Mraz Wishes You a Happy Tongue

An apple tried to kill me today. The juice jumped down my throat when I accidentally inhaled while chewing and I started to wheeze and hack and my eyes turned all red and tears ran down my cheeks. Bad enough that at 30 I still don’t know how to feed myself safely, but it had to happen during a business meeting, of course. It wasn’t a big serious meeting, but I’ve only been at this job a few weeks and already have ruined any shot I had at convincing my coworkers that I am a sophisticated and elegant woman. (Say the Bridget Jones mantra with me now, ladies: Inner poise, inner poise, inner poise.)

Then again, if that apple hadn’t of done it, the story I told about
writing sex toy reviews might have. But that was unavoidable, really. My boss seems to be very worried about offending me, always glancing at me when another guy says anything stronger than an, “aw shucks”. The word “erection” somehow came into a story about enthusiasm over the new iPhone and he looked aghast in my honor. So I had to break it to him. I may look like a delicate flower, but honey, you’re going to have to work harder than that to shock me.

I can see now though why the apple has such a large role in the Garden of Eden story. It’s a dangerous fruit. If I don’t choke on it, I’m at least likely to get a little piece of peel stuck between my teeth in a really annoying, almost torturous way, and always when I have no access to floss.

I have never had this problem with a cookie, brownie, chocolate bar, cake, or other sweet. Those all slide right down. It’s the fruits and vegetables that fight back. I think this is A Sign.

So I now declare to my fellow members of the Mrazonistic Temple: Eat a happy food. While other people endure Lent, giving up pleasures, let’s endulge in ours. Try to avoid cavities, and continue to show respect for your body – treat it well, exercise it either alone or with a partner – but then give your body something happy, something to perk it up and make your taste buds happy to be in existence.

One curly fry in the box of the regular,


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